the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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