You're my favorite asian/girl I've met here.
You're ridiculous
Your hot
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
