I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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