i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
