I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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