I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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