It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
