I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
