So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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