my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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