Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
