I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize