ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
well you can't waste a boner
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
