he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
