Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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