Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
