last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
