were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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