I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
