I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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