I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize