Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
