Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
So vagazzling was a success
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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