Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize