i think i have herpe
just one?
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Randomize
