I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
