In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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