I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
