remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Randomize
