That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
