How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
