12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
