I could have mohawked her pubes.
I cut my penus on the lid.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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