I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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