Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
