So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
