I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
FUCK WHALES
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
