why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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