Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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