Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
