Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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