I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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