i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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