I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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