Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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