How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
