Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
