no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
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