I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
