My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I'm having to shit out rocks
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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