I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
im six kinds of drunk right now
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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