the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
