So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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