belinda wants 2 know wr u got ur butt pads
i dont wear butt pads that thang is au naturel
Yeah...right...LMAO
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
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