My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize