There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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